The Freedom of Falling
by Evenstar1002
Summary: With everything one the line, it's time for some truths. Another oneshot for episode 8.16. Darvey all the way.


_A/N: This is for Kinga. She wanted yelling and tears and breakdowns and I hope I did her vision justice. Another short(er) version of how things could go in the season 8 finale for our favorite pair. One of our predictions is bound to come true, right? I hope you enjoy reading this! xoxo N._

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_**The Freedom of Falling**_

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_There is a swelling storm… And I'm caught up in the middle of it all… And it takes control… Of the person that I thought I was… The boy I used to know… But there, is a light… In the dark, and I feel its warmth… In my hands, and my heart…_

The tunes are soothing but the mind is too far gone to register a single word of it. The New York City lights are passing by in a blur; yellow melting into white and red and darkness. People are on the streets, some last minute shopping before heading home for the night, some meeting friends or colleagues for drinks after work, others feeling lost in the anonymity that is this metropolis. The sounds of road users screaming, of cars honking, of sirens in the distance are all boosting the volume to heights that are anything but comfortable or bearable.

The world outside is moving, swirling, _alive._ His world however? Is about to lie in ruins.

_It comes and goes in waves. And carries us away._

"Harvey?"

The thumb against his thigh is absentmindedly drumming along with the beat of the song but the blood rushing through his ears is too protruding, making it nearly impossible to hear anything at all. He reaches for his tie, only then finding that he already must have loosened it minutes before. Instead, he opens the top two buttons of his shirt, immediately finding it easier to breathe again more freely. If only for a short moment, for those few seconds that it takes his body to adjust, the fist around his heart squeezing tighter. He forces another deep breath in, expanding his ribcage in a weak attempt to get rid of the feeling of drowning. He sinks back against the backrest, eyes closed.

_No._ He takes another deep breath. **No.** He would not drown. He would not let the panic win. Would not let _him_ win by stripping him of the one thing that had defined his life for as long as he could think. And he sure as hell would not lose _her_. Not like this. Not now. Not without a fight at the very least.

"Harvey!" The voice is louder this time, pulling him back into the back seat of the black Lexus at last.

Harvey finally focuses his thoughts to the here and now. His eyes find Ray's in the rearview mirror; the driver's gaze concerned and worried.

"Sorry, Ray. You were saying?"

"It's been almost two hours now, Harvey. Have you decided yet where you want to go?" Ray asks. Not impatiently however as one might think and wouldn't have blamed him for after having had to drive around aimlessly for two hours straight but with the utmost respect and care for the person he has been driving around for over a decade.

Harvey doesn't have to think twice about it now, as a new kind of purpose rushes through his veins, vaporizing the last remnants of idleness and fear. "Yes. 150 West End Avenue, please."

Ray looks at him with surprise in his eyes. "That's-," he begins but is cut off by Harvey a second later.

"Yes."

The two men share a knowing glance through the mirror, before Ray nods, refocusing on the traffic before him.

_Moments of magic and wonder… it seems so hard to find… is it ever coming back again? Is it ever coming back again?_

xxx

Fifteen minutes later, Ray parks his car in front of the tall building of 150 West End Avenue. Harvey's heartbeat accelerates.

"Do you want me to wait?"

"No, it's alright. I don't know how long this'll take. And I've already taken up too much of your evening as it is," Harvey replies, unbuckling his belt.

"It's my job," Ray chuckles, turning around to look at his passenger. He grows more serious but there is a warmth in his brown eyes. "Go, get her, Harvey."

Harvey doesn't even bother asking how he knew because apparently he has been the only one clueless all this time anyway. Instead, he smiles softly at his driver, nodding. At least, he would try. And that is more than he had done in the past thirteen years. That has to count for something, right?

"Good night, Ray. And thank you."

"Anytime, my friend. Anytime."

Harvey exits the car, straightening down his pants and closing the button of his jacket, after he had safely stored his tie in the inside pocket of it. He stands there for a few moments, trying to come up with what to say to her. Praying that she would even be there to begin with. Only once he had gathered all of his courage, does he set himself in motion and only then does he hear Ray drive off into the night.

The elevator ride up to her floor drags on forever and is over all too quickly all the same. Harvey still has absolutely no idea what to say to her, only knowing that he had to do something. _Anything_. To make her see that he is here. That their story couldn't be over. Not before it even began. But he figures he will come up with something to say once he sees her. Until then, he needs to let his body take control to ensure that his mind had no chance to talk him out of telling her the truth once again. So he moves, left, down the hallway, takes a turn to the right, the golden numbers 206 finally in his field of vision then. His body is on autopilot; legs carrying him the last distance, fingers curling up in a fist, bicep tensing, arm rising. Before he can process it all, he has knocked on her door without a second thought.

There is silence on the other side of the wooden barrier. Harvey stands and listens for a sign of her. Maybe she hadn't heard him? Should he try again? Maybe a little louder? He was just about to, when he heard it. Shuffling. A dull knock. Clangor. Mumbled curse words. Keys rattling.

And then she appears and even though he has prepared himself, she takes his breath away anyway. Just like she always does. Her flaming red hair is disheveled, her black tank top slightly off-center and under any other circumstances Harvey probably would have dwelled on the fact that she isn't wearing a bra underneath it but even his body knows that what he is about to do is about more than that.

"Harvey? What are you doing here?" There is surprise in her voice and a million other emotions Harvey can't quite place.

"I… sorry. Is this a bad time?" Harvey asks apologetically, only in this very moment even considering that fact that she might not be alone.

"What? No… But it's…" Donna looks down at the watch around her wrist. "Ten pm. Isn't that a little late? Even for you?" She chuckles but it isn't sincere, as a cloud of nervousness suddenly surrounds her. She crosses her arms in front of her body, eying him curiously.

"Can I come in for a minute?" He risks a gaze into her apartment for a second, listens to any sign that might tell him if she was alone or not.

Donna hesitates for a moment, almost throwing Harvey off balance at the realization. Because she had never hesitated before. Even during the most difficult of times, no matter at which stage in their relationship they had been, he could always count on her door being open for him. The fact that she is hesitating now is just one more reason for why he finally needed to tell her the truth. Even if that might close the door for good.

At last, Donna steps aside uncertainly and lets him in and he is relieved to find that she is indeed alone. Warmth and comfort engulf him, her four walls always having felt a little bit too much like home and only now he understands why it has always been like that. Donna had redecorated since the last time he had been inside of her apartment but the feeling is still very much the same. Flickering candles on the tables and sideboards all around the living room heighten the sensation even more. Even if he had wanted to, he can't hold back the content sigh that escapes his lips. Being here, with her, so close that he could almost touch her, a feeling of security surrounds him and the hellfire that might await him tomorrow is all but a distant blur down the line. Nothing that scared him anymore. Let them take his license. What does he care? Everything he needed is right here anyway.

It's her voice that redirects his attention to her, making him turn around and finding Donna still standing at the doorway to her hallway. "Harvey, what do you want?"

He looks at her and it's almost like an out-of-body experience, because he also sees himself standing there, the two of them looking at each other, tension drawing there bodies together while uncertainty pushes them apart. His fists clench against his hips, the muscles in his jaw tensing. And for the first time in forever - the first time since knowing her at least, which might very well just be the same anyway - he doesn't have to force himself to open up about his feelings but rather to keep it all in, not wanting to overstrain her with thirteen years worth of longing and love by loading it all onto her just like that. So he chooses his next words wisely. And hopes and prays that he'll get it right this time around.

"I want you." He states it matter-of-factly, like it shouldn't even be a question she should have to ask.

Donna stares at him wide-eyed, shock written all over her beautiful features. Consciously or unconsciously, she takes a step back, not saying a single word. It's quiet again. Only the ticking sound of a clock on the wall as a proof that world is still turning.

"Wh-… what did you just say?" Donna whispers incredulously, shaking her head.

"You asked me what I wanted. And I want you. I want you _so much_," Harvey repeats emphatically, taking a step towards her, only to find her backing away from him once more. Harvey ignores the pinching in his chest, the need to talk it out with her once and for all encompassing everything else.

She doesn't ask him how, which he had expected her to, but maybe for once they were finally done pretending that they both didn't know exactly how they both wanted, needed and _loved_ each other. Or at least how he wanted, needed and loved her. Because right now, seeing her put distance between them, he has absolutely no idea at all what she is feeling or thinking.

"Harvey," Donna says his name that sounds more like a plea, her raised hand as a sign to stop his movements, further emphasizing the tone in her voice. "Where the hell is this coming from all of a sudden?"

Maybe he should respect her wish for distance but every instinct inside of him screams at him to close it after having let it remain for too long. So he takes another step towards her and another one after that, until her body hits the sideboard with a loud _clunk_.

"It's coming from in here. Where it's always been," Harvey replies, pointing with his finger against his chest for a moment, before letting his hand drop down to his side again. He finally stops walking when he is standing in front of her, still out of reach but with no more barriers between them.

"Harvey, stop it," Donna replies again, sounding more serious now. "You're just panicking because of the hearing tomorrow."

It hurts him that she would think that but then again, their track record of not saying the things that should have been said day in day out, year after year, is probably one of the reasons why she wouldn't believe him now. The truth, that had undoubtedly been there all that time, buried too deep under lies and false pretenses, that unburying it might take more than just his words.

"I'm not. This is not what this is about," Harvey replies convincingly, his voice unwavering.

"Then what is this about?" Donna wants to know, clearly not believing a word Harvey is saying.

"I am here because I want you. Because I l-"

"Please stop, Harvey. This isn't like you," Donna returns, tears welling up in her eyes upon hearing what he has been about to say if she hadn't interrupted him.

"But it is! Can't you see? This is me," he says, exasperatedly raising both of his hands in the air. "This is me. Telling you what I should have told you long ago."

Harvey takes that final steps towards her now, his hands coming up to rest on her shoulders in a gentle touch. He could feel her shaking and goosebumps spreading over her naked arms. That her body is reacting the way it is gives him at least a tiny amount of hope. Her softness and warmth seeps into him, the smell of her freshly showered skins rising to his nose and robbing him of his breath for a second. Harvey looks from her arms back up to her eyes, seeing the first tears running down her cheeks. There is an urge to wipe them away but more are coming and he knows it would be a fruitless attempt to even try.

"Why are you doing this to me, Harvey? Why do you always rip these wounds open? Why can't you just let me be happy for once?" Donna almost yells now, while more tears make their way down her face.

He is taken aback by the anger and anguish in her voice, the despair and hurt. Once again he realizes what an enormous idiot he had been all this time. "I'm sorry, Donna. I'm so very sorry. For everything. You deserve everything and here I am, hurting you… when it's the last thing I want to do… But I want to tell you the truth. You need to hear the truth."

Donna stares at him, to overcome with everything she is feeling to say anything at all. So Harvey takes the lead again, getting _it_ out before she might throw him out.

"I love you, Donna," he finally says the words. Again. In pretty much the exact same stop he had said them the last time. Only that this time, he doesn't feel the need to run away. Instead, he wants nothing more than to run to her. Taker her in his arms. Take her pain away, knowing that he is the very reason for it. His hands travel up her shoulders, over her neck and to her face, cupping her wet cheeks in a loving touch. He doesn't give her much time to think, or to protest but she doesn't stop him either when he slowly leans in, finding her lips at last. She doesn't respond at first and Harvey is almost about to pull back, when he feels her lean against him slightly, her tears giving the kiss a salty taste. There are more tears pooling against his fingers, against his thumbs that are carefully caressing back and forth, as he coaxes her lips to open up to him. The saltiness gives way to the taste of chocolate and wine and _her_ and he almost moans at the exquisiteness of it all. Her hand travels to his neck, holding him to her, making him move closer, pressing his body against hers ever so slightly. When her other hand comes up to rest against his chest, his heart beating like a drum right beneath where she is touching him, it's him this time around who starts to tremble. Desire is cursing through his veins, desire and love and all those other emotions you usually only read about in books or see in movies but that had actually never really happened to him. Except with her. One time. During that other time. And while he wants nothing more than to just forget about all the hurt and pain and lies between the other time and this evening, wants to make them both forget about it all, he knows that it's not that easy.

Donna being Donna, she must have felt his resistance or her thoughts had finally caught up with her as well. Either way, it is in this very moment, that she breaks away. "Harvey. Stop!" Her hand is still strongly wrapped around his neck, holding him to her while the hand against his chest is caught up in a weak attempt to push him away. It breaks his heart. Because even though he can barely feel it, it's there and it means that a part of her that doesn't want this. _Him_. He withdraws his hands from her body, because it's what you do when a woman says 'no', but he can't bring himself to move away entirely, not when her arm is still around his neck.

Everything in him screams to run. To run and make them both forget this has ever happened. And Harvey does hesitate. Contemplates. Takes a deep breath. _No._

"No," he says out loud then with a steady voice that almost covers the fear and desperation he is feeling inside. "You can push me away all you want in a minute. You can scream at me and hate me and you can tell me that you want to forget about this and move on and I promise I will never bring it up again. But not before you hear me out."

Tears are still running down Donna's cheeks uncontrollably, her eyes red and puffy and it almost kills Harvey that he's the reason for her hurting like this. She finally withdraws the arm around his neck, watching him angrily, while the hand against his chest stays where it is.

"What more is there to say? You can't waltz in here and expect me to jump into your arms just because you've finally figured it out, Harvey! That's not how this works, don't you understand?" Donna cries. The hand against his chest had turned into a fist now, boxing against his sternum. Not enough to actually hurt him – not physically at least - but it's bringing across the message. With a sigh, Harvey finally steps away from her after all.

"I understand that, Donna. And I didn't expect anything when I came here, believe me. I just… I needed you to know. That I love you. And that you are the most important thing in the world to me. You always have been and you always will be, no matter what happens." Harvey takes another step back and watches her as she take a deep breath, almost like she had been under water for a while and only now getting to breath freely. He doesn't know if the water had been them and their constant lies and ambiguity or if it had been him and his confession just now but either way, he hopes that they still had a chance once she reached the shore. "You're _it_ for me, Donna. My past, my present and my future. My everything and more. And if I'm too late, if you're truly happy with Thomas, I will step back and accept that. I just… I had to risk it. Even becoming 'the other guy'… when it's everything I never wanted to be. But I love you too much to not try everything in my power to prove to you that I do."

Harvey has put enough distance between the two of them now to get a proper look at Donna. She is still shaking slightly, her arms holding on to herself where only moments before his hands had rested. Her eyes are swollen and that he is the reason for this kind of distress in her is something he'll probably never forgive himself for. She just stares at him blankly and Harvey can't detect a single thought behind her eyes. He waits for a minute. And one more after that. But she makes no move to say anything, which is very unlike her but maybe he just is too late after all. With his shoulder slumping, he carefully nods.

"Alright… I…"

"You should go," Donna whispers, her voice raw and shaky. "I need some space… to… clear my head."

"Of course," Harvey replies, trying to hide the disappointment. But at least the tears are subsiding and she seemed to be done screaming at him and maybe, just maybe, it means that she doesn't hate him.

He detests having to leave things like this, having to leave _her_ like this, but there is no use in pushing her to talk if she isn't ready. He should know better than anyone, after all. So he turns around, moving down the hallway to her door and hesitating for just a moment in the hopes of her holding him back. But there is no hand around his arm, nor a word to stop him from going. Just silent sobs from the living room, that break his heart all over again. With tears welling up in his own eyes now, he reaches for the door, letting himself out quietly.

xxx

It's way past midnight when Harvey finally lies down in his bed. He knows he won't find any sleep tonight but he wants to at least try to not look like a zombie when he appeared in front of the Bar. He checks his phone one last time, hoping against hope that she might have sent him a sign that they were going to be okay in the end. But the screen stays blank, so he puts it away for the night.

Harvey is just about to start one of his breathing exercises, when a loud knock sends a shock through his system. Usually, he doesn't get scared easily but at this time of the night, the last thing you expect is for someone to knock on your door. And if it isn't someone wanting to rob is apartment – and who would knock then? – this could only mean one other thing. With his heart hammering against his chest, he jumps out of bed, practically running through his condo. He doesn't care that he's only wearing boxers and a t-shirt, all thoughts already focused on what lies on the other side of the door.

Sure enough, he finds Donna standing there in all of her natural beauty. Her whole body language seems to be more composed now, her eyes no longer red or swollen. She is still wearing the same grey yoga pants and black tank top that she has worn earlier, completed with a grey cardigan now that's held together by a knot around her middle.

"Donna… what… what are you doing here?" Harvey asks surprised, his pulse speeding up a little more.

"Sleepwalking? Or could there possibly any other reason why I would come and see you?" Donna rolls her eyes, but it's not with malice or petulance but with something that feels a lot like their usual banter. Harvey steps aside, inviting her inside wordlessly.

"Does Thomas know you're here?" Is the first questions that leaves Harvey lips, involuntarily and he immediately regrets it. Because it's none of his freaking business anyway. And he sh-.

"No, he doesn't," Donna interrupts his thoughts.

"Sorry. It's none of my business, I shouldn't have a-"

"We broke up," Donna explains and shrugs her shoulders.

"You… what? How? When?"

"At dinner, last night." She almost chuckles at the relief that is clearly audible in his voice. They sit down on his couch, close enough this time that their bodies are touching; his knee pressed into her thigh. The contact still feels charged. But entirely different from the feeling hours ago. Stronger. More intense. More intimate.

"Why? I mean… are you okay?"

"Yeah. I am. I should have known from the start that it wouldn't work. Because in the end, it always comes down to this," Donna explains, pointing with her finger between the two of them.

"Did he say anything?" Harvey wants to know, not even sure where that question came from. But somehow, everyone always seemed to point out the obvious, so he wonders if it had been the case here as well.

"No. Believe it or not, I figured it out all on my own." Donna shakes her head disbelievingly, at him, at them, at the whole freaking situation. Where they both actually, finally on the same page?

"So you had already broken up when I came to you earlier?" Harvey asks carefully, studying her face.

"Yeah. We had," Donna confirms, pressing her lips together and nodding her head.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

That makes Donna laugh, before she turns more serious again. "When? It literally _just_ happened before you came. And then there you were. Saying all those things. And it was just too much. You were too much. It just… it was all too much. I'm sorry for freaking out on you like that. I don't know what happened there."

"No, Donna. Don't apologize. I understand why it was too much. And out of nowhere like that. I'm sorry."

"If I don't get to apologize, you don't get to either," Donna smiles nervously, looking at him quietly for a moment. "Harvey… How can I trust that this is real? How can I trust this isn't just one of your spur of the moment decisions you're going to back out of tomorrow?"

"Donna… I know I've been stupid and blind in the past. And that I've made more mistakes than I can count or ever apologize for. But I would never," he says, taking her hand in his and squeezing it tightly, "_never_ do that to you. I love you. And I told you because it's been thirteen years overdue not because someone is forcing me to or out of a spur of the moment kind of thing. I meant what I said. You're it for me. There was no one like you before the day I met you and there hasn't been ever since or ever will be. Even if you don't feel the same… I'll always be here waiting for you. Hoping."

New tears well up in Donna's eyes now but this time they don't hurt Harvey quite as much. Because he's absolutely certain that these tears aren't out of sorrow. "Since when have you become so good with words," Donna sniffles, wiping her eyes dry with the back of her hand.

"I worked on it. Just like I worked on becoming the kind of man that you deserved." Harvey doesn't explain any further but then again, he doesn't have to, because she is Donna and probably knew all along.

"And you think you are that kind of man now?" Donna wants to know, wiping away more tears.

"No. But from where I stand, no one really deserves you. Because you're amazing and perfect," Harvey retorts, smiling at her gently. "So I can only try my very best. Every day. For the rest of our lives." Harvey wraps his other hand over their already entwined fingers, looking down for just a moment, before finding her gaze again. "If you'll let me."

Donna takes a deep breath, a grin spreading on her face. Harvey inches closer, his whole body on alert. He brings his hand up to cup her face. "I love you, Donna."

"Easy, once you get the hang of it, isn't it?" Donna laughs, winking at him.

"It'll only ever be easy with you," Harvey replies, his thumb starting to draw little circles on her cheek, before bringing her face closer to him.

"I love you, too, Harvey." That makes him stop his movements for a heartbeat, as warmth spreads through him. From his heart to his stomach, down to his feet and all the way up to his head. And then it all becomes a blur, as he crashes his mouth to hers, making her gasp in the process. She catches up quickly, both arms going around his neck and pulling him even closer. It's a matter of moments before they end up lying on the couch, Donna on her back, Harvey halfway on top of her, kissing her passionately. Their hands are roaming, touching each other as much as they can, every once in a while eliciting deep moans from the other. They have no idea for how long they stay like that, only breaking apart when oxygen becomes absolutely necessary.

They both breathe heavily as Harvey rolls off of her, coming to lie right next to her, his arm protectively around Donna's body so she wouldn't fall off the couch.

"We should probably get some sleep, Harvey. It's going to be a long day tomorrow. Or today, seeing as it's five hours past my sleeping time."

"Will you stay?" Harvey asks, while his hand is playing with the knot that's keeping her cardigan together.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea. We'd have to get up extra early so I can go home and get some proper clothes to wear before your hearing."

"I don't care and Ray won't mind. I… please, stay."

She studies him, sees the pleading in his dark eyes. "Alright. But let's move this party to you bedroom, okay?"

"As you wish, my lady."

Of course, they make love that night. Because how could they not after all this time apart? Finally free to fall with each other, into each other? When their bodies join for the first time in over twelve-and-a-half years, it isn't frantic or desperate; and there is nothing from the kinkiness of their first time together all those years back. After they had slowly undressed each other, rediscovered each other in the most intimate ways, after he had entered her welcoming body and they had both sighed in completion, there is absolutely _nothing_ frantic about it. Instead there is slow rhythms and gentle caresses, whispered words of love and promises for the future and there are gazes that bare each other's souls. His strokes are controlled and even and she meets his every move. It doesn't really last long either, her tumbling over the edge and into freefall first, him with a final thrust into her heat only seconds later, but it doesn't matter because they would have time for everything later. Tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.

In each other's arms, they find peace at least. Whatever tomorrow would bring, they didn't really care. Because they are going to face it together. Always.

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xxx

_**The End**_

xxx


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